357 Funny Insults and Comebacks (Useful in Every Situation)

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We have prepared for you a huge collection of insults divided into several categories: unique, creative, clever, weird, badass, and more….

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Best Funny Insults

1. Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
2. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
3. I’d give you a slap, but that’d be animal abuse.
4. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
5. You’re not glowing, honey. You’re basically bathed in oil.
6. I think I’ve seen you before, but I’m pretty sure I had to pay admission last time.
7. I’m busy right now; can I ignore you another time?
8. I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
9. Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
10. The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
11. Learn from your parent’s mistake… Use birth control.
12. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
13. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
14. When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change… except the direction I was walking in.
15. If a cannibal wanted to eat you, he wouldn’t find anything in your brain
16. I’m jealous of people that don’t know you!
17. I would never date you. I’m lonely, not desperate.
18. I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.
19. You make me increase the amount of caffeine I take daily
20. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
21. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
22. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
23. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
24. Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Your presence keeps covering it up
25. The mirror broke when you looked at it. You can’t fix ugly.
26. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
27. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
28. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
29. No I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
30. Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

Unique Funny Insults

1. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
2. He was so narrow-minded. He could look through a keyhole with both eyes.
3. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
4. Don’t try to think too hard. You’re so stupid it might sprain your brain.
5. Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable… Like a coma.
6. Here’s a tissue, you have a little piece of sh*t on your lips.
7. It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
8. A fool is the same all year round, and we celebrate you on April 1st. 
9. Feed your own ego. I’m busy.
10. I’d insult you, but then I’d have to explain it afterwards, so never mind.
11. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
12. When life gives us those lemons, we will be sure to use them, okay?
13. I treasure the time I don’t spend with you.
14. You’re so ugly the only dates you get are on a calendar.
15. You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn’t die.
16. Are you afraid that zombies will eat your brain? Nah, you’ll be fine.
17. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
18. If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.
19. I hear there’s a new app called “Sense of Humor.” Please download it.
20. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
21. If we continue talking to each other, I might end up dead.
22. Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.
23. I’m not saying that I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support machine to charge my mobile.
24. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
25. I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
26. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
27. Long story short, because you wouldn’t be able to follow with the long one.
28. Keep rolling your eyes, perhaps you’ll find a brain back there.
29. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
30. Shock me, say something intelligent.

Creative Funny Insults

1. If I typed ‘stupid’ in google, your name would pop up
2. Okay, let me file what you just said under ‘I couldn’t care less.’
3. God wanted to spice the earth with jokes, and he made your kind
4. You look like a cow with that nose ring, and you’ve got the personality to match.
5. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
6. If you want a man who’s committed, go look in a mental hospital.
7. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
8. Mind if I ask where the OFF button for your mouth is?
9. Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
10. There’s only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half—I don’t want two of you around!
11. You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
12. I’d love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this chainsaw.
13. I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
14. You’re the reason they invented double doors.
15. Know your role, shut your hole!
16.  I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
17. I love the sound you make when you shut up.
18. I can’t insult you. The universe has already helped by making you look like that 
19. My headaches left immediately I left your presence
20. There is no vaccine against stupidity.
21. Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
22. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
23. The trash gets picked up early tomorrow. Be ready.
24. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you.
25. Don’t like my sarcasm, well I don’t like your stupid.
26. If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
27. I can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
28. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
29. Whenever I see you, middle finger gets an erection.
30. I guess you prove that even God makes mistakes sometimes.

Clever Funny Insults

1. I know I make stupid choices, but you’re the worst of all my choices
2. Keep talking…I’m diagnosing you.
3. I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
4. Here, let me wash the stupid right off of you. Oh wait, it’s not coming off.
5. You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.
6. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
7. You are the human equivalent of a participation award.
8. You’re like Monday mornings, nobody likes you.
9. You’re so dumb, I bet your dog teaches you tricks.
10. I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
11. You’ve been trying to get your summer body since two winters ago
12. You shouldn’t act hard-to-get when you’re already hard-to-like.
13. So nobody understands you.. it isn’t art but stupidity
14. You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally!
15. 2 words, 1 finger. Do the math!
16. I hate you. All your calories go to your big head and not your body
17. Since narcissistic is such a big word for you, how about asshole? You know what an asshole is, right?
18. I’d love to insult you, but I won’t do as well as nature did.
19. Your eyebrows look like eagle’s wings
20. There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you the first time.
21. If you added any more weight, the elevator wouldn’t move
22. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
23. You can attract bees with honey; in your case, it’s flies and faeces. 
24. Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions.
25. Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone
26. I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.
27. If you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.
28. Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
29. I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
30. I’d give you a nasty look, but I see you’ve already got one.

Weird Funny Insults

1. You’re living proof that evolution can go in reverse.
2. If I wanted a b*tch, I would have purchased a dog.
3. Can we normalize telling you that you aren’t so wonderful
4. You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
5. You’re the human version of a headache.
6. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
7. I’d like to see things from your view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
8. The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.
9. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
10. Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
11. If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.
12. I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
13. Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
14. You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.
15. Hey dog breath, if I throw a stick will you go away?
16. In the land of the witless, you would be king.
17. The salt on this food is enough to kill an earthworm. 
18. You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.
19. You’re so fat, you leave footprints in concrete.
20. If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay on the yard.
21. You’re so fat you could sell shade.
22. Goeth & fucketh thyself!
23. Even rats pay rent. You’ve outstayed your welcome.
24. Turn hot dog water into ice cubes for people you don’t like.
25. I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
26. You are like the sun—not because you light up my world, but because it hurts to look at you.
27. Empty barrels make the loudest noise
28. Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
29. Of course I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me?
30. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Badass Funny Insults

1. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
2. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
3. I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.
4. I’ve met several pricks before, but you sir are a cactus.
5. Seriously, your mouth is so foul! Should I offer you a tic-tac or a toilet paper?
6. Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
7. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
8. Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
9. I’m sorry I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullsh*t.
10. You’re so skinny; I hear the sound of bone on wood when you sit.
11. If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.
12. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
13. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
14. Mirrors can’t talk, and lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
15. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
16. You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
17. You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.
18. I’m sorry, I’ll call you later. I’m breathing in air
19. You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
20. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
21. There’s only one problem with your face… I can see it.
22. Look at the time, it’s time for you to shut the f*ck up!
23. Someday you’ll go far… and I really hope you stay there.
24. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
25. I can lose weight, but you’ll always be ugly.
26. I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
27. If you could smell you, you wouldn’t be friends with you.
28. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
29. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
30. You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?

Savage Funny Insults

1. Oh, I didn’t realize you’re an expert in my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
2. Your wig is slipping, and so are your senses.
3. All day I thought of you… I was at the zoo.
4. Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.
5. The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
6. You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
7. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
8. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is you.
9. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.
10. Remember, if anyone says you’re beautiful, it’s all lies
11. Everyone has a purpose in life, yours is to become an organ donor.
12. When the sanitation worker came, he forgot to take you along
13. Sometimes, I wish I was deaf so your grammar wouldn’t bother me so much.
14. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
15. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
16. Fake hair, fake nails, fake smile. Are you sure you weren’t made in China?
17. I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
18. We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
19. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..
20. You have a face only a mother could love.
21. If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
22. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
23. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
24. They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
25. Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
26. Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.
27. I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
28. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
29. You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
30. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.

Cool Funny Insults

1. If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
2. Let’s go to the zoo. I’ve always wanted to meet your family.
3. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
4. You so dumb, you think Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
5. I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
6. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
7. People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
8. Your nasty behaviour is the reason for your receding hairline.
9. Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
10. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
11. If you’re going to be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you’re just an ass.
12. You can say hello to my middle finger.
13. Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
14. You aren’t worth the dust that the wind is blowing on your face.
15. If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
16. What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?
17. Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
18. Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
19. I would like to leave you with one thought, but I’m not sure if you have anywhere to store it in.
20. You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
21. I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.
22. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
23. I’d say you’re funny, but looks aren’t everything.
24. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
25. Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
26. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
27. Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
28. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for example.
29. From the moment I first saw you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
30. People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.

Short and Simple Funny Insults

1. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
2. I like the way you try.
3. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
4. You, sir, are an oxygen thief!
5. Grab a straw, because you suck.
6. You should really come with a warning label.
7. Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan!
8. You look like a before picture.
9. Bye, hope to see you never.
10. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
11. Earth is full. Go home.
12. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
13. Your face makes onions cry.
14. How can your IQ be in single numbers
15. You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
16. N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”
17. You are proof God has a sense of humor.
18. You’re a bad person. Enough said.
19. You do realize we tolerate you.
20.  I’ve been called worse by better.
21. Don’t get bitter, just get better.
22. First off: Brush your teeth.
23. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
24. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
25. I told my therapist about you.
26. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
27. You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.
28. You are so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous.
29. I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you.
30. That sounds like a you problem.

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