100+ Cool & Funny Facebook Status Quotes

Collection of cool and funny facebook status quotes that will bring smile on your face instantly. Now why wait? Use it on your facebook wall ( or even on your twitter, whatsup profile) and have few laughs.

1. Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
2. For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you’ll end up married.
3. I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.
4. Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren’t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
5. Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
6. It’s amazing the things I can remember when I don’t need to remember anything.
7. Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
8. What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to “like” cream cheese on Facebook?
9. I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
10. If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they’d put cocaine back in their recipe.
11. Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
12. I never thought I’d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning … I was right!
13. Once again I’ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
14. Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
15. Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that anymore.”
16. People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don’t want to talk.
17. The best way to change a woman’s mind is to agree with her.
18. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
19. Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
20. Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can…
21. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
22. By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn’t believe me.
23. Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
24. People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
25. The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money
26. “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”
27. Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
28. Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
29. Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
30. People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they’re likely to cause.
31. You know you’re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
32. Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
33. You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
34. I’m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me… And apologize for after.
35. Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
36. Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
37. It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
38. I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It’s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
39. Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
40. My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
41. Nobody pissed me off today… I got to get out more.
42. Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
43. I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
44. “Lazy” is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
45. I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
46. Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
47. Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was “I want a divorce”. Turns out its actually, “What is your password”.
48. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don’t read this until the appropriate day)
49. It’s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball… But won’t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry.
50. Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
51. How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
52. I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
53. I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
54. Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
55. My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
56. Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
57. You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice.
58. I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
59. I just broke my record for most days lived.
60. I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
61. Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
62. Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
63. A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
64. A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
65. You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.
66. My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
67. You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
68. I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
69. Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
70. It’s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
71. Technically, I don’t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I’m not doing anything.
72. I like confusing kids by telling them I’m older than the internet
73. I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
74. When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
75. Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
76. When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, “My wife took everything when she left”
77. 500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
78. The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
79. Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.
80. Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
81. If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
82. I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
83. Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
84. You think you love your family but suddenly there are three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
85. 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
86. Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead.
87. My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
88. I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
89. I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
90. Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
91. Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
92. I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
93. My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
94. How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
95. Send a man to the store to get 5 items; he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
96. A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
97. Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
98. Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.
99. I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
100. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
101. Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I’m 82.

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