100+ Funny Marriage Advice & Quotes

We have consolidated best ‘100+ Funny Marriage Advice & Quotes’ that will help you to have a long lasting married life & will make you a lovely couple. Happy Reading..!!

1. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Michel de Montaigne
2. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
3. Married Life is so easy, it’s just like a walk in the park. But the problem is that the park is..’Jurassic Park!’
4. Marriage is the bond between a person who never remember anniversaries and another who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash
5. Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them; Never be proud of your choices, your wife is one of them.
6. Maths after marriage is simple. If you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25 😉
7. Some relationships are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can’t live without each other.
8. If u want to be happy with a man, love him less & understand him more..If u want to be happy with a women, love her more and never try to understand her..
9. Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of website. You understand nothing, but still you say: “I Agree!”
10. Marriage is not a noun, it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.
11. Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her master’s degree.
12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
13. He stole my heart so I am planning revenge..I am going to take his Last Name.
14. Two golden rules to a happy marriage: 1. The wife is always right. 2. When you feel she is wrong slap yourself and read rule no. 1 again.
15. Marriage let you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
16. Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore..
17. If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.
18. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
19. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
20. Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.
21. If at first you don’t succeed..try doing it the way your wife told you.
22. Marriage is a workshop..where husband works & wife shops..
23. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.
24. Love is blind. But marriage restores its sight.
25. My husband thinks I’m crazy, however he’s the one who married me.
26. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
27. A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It’s when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
28. A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.
29. Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry the person who you cannot live without.
30. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
31. Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match.
32. Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will be mad at each other as well.
33. Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet, just to see who they really are.
34. The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.
35. Welcome to the dangerous world of married life. It‘s too late to repent! Have an amazing journey!
36. In life we should always keep our eyes wide open. However, after marriage it‘s better to close them at times!
37. Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
38. Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you, so that they won’t eat all of yours 😉
39. A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months or years you’ve been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other.
40. A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know ‘What goes in it’.
41. Marriage doesn’t make you happy — you make your marriage happy.
42. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; After marriage, it is self defense.
43. Husbands, love your wives well..Your children are noticing how you treat her. You are teaching your sons how they should treat women, and you are teaching your daughters what they should expect from men.
44. Treat her like you’re still trying to win her and that’s how you’ll never lose her.
45. When a wife has a good husband it will be easily seen on her face.
46. Hold your wife’s hand in the mall because if you let go, she’ll start shopping. It looks Romantic, but it’s actually Economic.
47. One day my wife’s credit card got stolen..what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife. LOL!
48. I think I’m starting to have a problem with my vision, ever since I got married I haven’t seen any money through the entire house.
49. I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now change your facebook status.
50. A good marriage is like a game of chess, the queen should always protect her king.
51. A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
52. Never yell at each other, unless the house is on fire. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
53. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
54. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
55. If you marry one woman, she will fight with you. But, if you marry 2 women, they will fight for you. Think different 😉 LOL
56. If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; She will be all ears.
57. When a women says “WHAT?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
58. The most important words for successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’
59. Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what’s left over after you have given your best to everyone else.
60. Me and my wife live happily for 25 years..then we met!!
61. Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it away.
62. When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.
63. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the cup, Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.
64. Married life is not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.
65. Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot anymore.
66. Words for a successful marriage: I’m sorry dear – It’s my fault.
67. Congrats on your promotion from “When will you marry?” to “When are you going have babies???”
68. Often we underestimate the power of a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, a honest compliment, a touch or the smallest act of caring. All of which have the potential to turn a life around.
69. By all means – get married! If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
70. Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
71. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
72. Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
73. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman
74. Don’t run to your mom if your spouse does something you don’t like. You’re a unit now. Act like it.
75. Don’t ever stop dating your wife, Don’t ever stop flirting with your husband.
76. Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring and Suffering.
77. Getting married is like a class on Shakespeare. You get a little comedy, some romance and a lot of tragedy. Congratulations.
78. They say opposite attract – If that’s the case your marriage could last for a very long time. Best wishes.
79. Marriage is the equivalent of signing a contract which does not give you the option of renewing it every year.
80. A happy marriage depends on spouses saying this simple phrase, “Yes Dear.”
81. Well now it’s the beginning of the end for you. No more beers, no more night outs but you now having a loving wife. Congrats.
82. You both should write a book about your marriage life and it should be titled ‘Forever..”
83. After marriage, “Spending time with friends” will be a distant memory.
84. Marriage is a book which the initial chapter is written in POETRY and the remaining chapters in PROSE.
85. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – Gilbert K. Chesterton
86. All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. – Lord Byron
87. Remember that creating successful marriage is like farming, you have to start over again every morning.
88. Good marriage is like good wine, it gets better with age.
89. You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.
90. If you want peace in your house, do what your wife wants.
91. An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
92. Million dollar truth..Wife is cute when she is mute and Husband is honey when he gives money.
93. After marriage, husband & wife becomes two sides of a coin; They just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. – Hemant Joshi
94. Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. – Alan King
95. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
96. When he says that he will be home by 11.00pm after a night out with his friends, don’t lock the front door before at least 1.00am.
97. Happiest couple don’t HAVE the best of everything, they just MAKE the best of everything.
98. Two things are necessary to keep wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.
99. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
100. Remember marriage is like a flower – Keep it fed and watered so it can blossom and grow!
101. A man can be the head of the house, but a woman is a neck and she may turn the head any direction she wants!
102. Marriage is just like an Insurance, you pay, pay, keep paying and you never get anything back.
103. Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
104. When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
105. My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.
106. Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
107. Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.
108. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. – Ogden Nash
109. I may be annoying, say dumb stuff, make you really mad, put all of that aside and you’ll never find someone who loves u more than me.
110. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
111. It’s funny when people discuss Love marriage Vs Arrange marriage. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
112. Problems in marriage life are not STOP signs, they are guidelines.
113. Best relationship advice for 2017: Pay more attention to your life partner than you do to your phone.
114. Make room in your busy schedule. For example, stop making love to your wife every now and then to get some work done.
115. Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.
116. Don’t Live in the Past, don’t compliment your wife for how she used to look in outfits that no longer fit. Tell your wife she looks great in the moment.
117. Go to Bed Angry, it’s better to go to bed angry than stay up all night fighting – you’ll need your rest in order to win the fight tomorrow.
118. If you want something, feed Him. When men are hungry, they get cranky and irritable. A hungry husband is less likely to agree to any requests or demands. If you need to discuss something serious, or if you want him to do something for you, check his appetite first.
119. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
120. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” – Raymond Hull
121. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. – Evelyn Hendrickson
122. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck
123. A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.
124. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
125. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife 😉
126. A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.
127. Spouse: someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
128. Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage.
129. To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart – about a finger’s breadth – for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
130. Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.
131. The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.

Having any special message/quotes to include in our list? Drop a comment below and please let us know.