130+ Funny Quotes at Work

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  On my office desk, I have a work station.
• A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well know, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
• A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
• All I ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
• All this stress at work is causing me sleepless afternoons.
• Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.
• As I have gotten older and wiser, I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays and of course retirement.
• Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went … I am just lucky I got out alive.
• Before you judge me please understand I don’t really care what you think!
• Best of luck on your internship here and on getting me a coffee right now.
• By working faithfully 8 hours per day, you may become the boss and work… 12 hours per day.
• Congratulations on your new job that you probably won’t like any better.
• Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your  boss’s
• Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
• Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.
• Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.
• Due to an intense mind fog, all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
• Due to confidentiality of my job I don’t know what I am doing.
• Every day I arrive at work with good intentions and great attitude … then idiots happen.
• Every one brings joy to this office; some when they enter others when they leave.
• Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
• Genius is one percent inspiration ninety-nine percent perspiration.
• Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.​
• Going to work doesn’t make me happy, my paycheck does.
• Happy Work Anniversary! I don’t know if I should congratulate your or offer my condolences.
• Hard works never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
• Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid
• Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.
• I almost showed up to work today with a positive attitude, but sarcasm stepped in and saved the day.
• I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday!
• I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning” because if it were a good morning I would still be in bed asleep.
• I am currently out of the office and can be reached by waiting until I get back.
• I am going to retire and live off my savings. What I will do the second day, I have no idea.
• I am not ready for Monday. Can I have another Sunday?
• I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
• I am sorry I offended you by asking you to do your work.
• I believe I used all my sick days, so I am calling in dead.
• I couldn’t get through Mondays without knowing you’re equally miserable.
• I don’t always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I am probably at work.
• I don’t work on Fridays, I make appearances.
• I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with “Y”.
• I don’t work well under pressure or under any other circumstance.
• I hate mornings. And Mondays.  And working.  But other than that I’m entirely happy.
• I hate my job. But I work at office to buy things I don’t need.
• I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.
• I have no idea what my job is here. I just drink lots of coffee.
• I hold a little fundraiser every day. It’s called going to work.
• I hope when I die, it is early in the morning so I don’t go to work that day for no reason.
• I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
• I love my boss! I love my job! I’m self employed!
• I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself I never knew.
• I may look calm but in my mind I have killed you three times.
• I never drink coffee at work … mainly because it keeps me awake.
• I told my boss what I really think about him, and the truth set me free… from my job!
• I’d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
• If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
• If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
• If you ever get caught sleeping at work, just slowly raise your head and say “In Jesus name I pray”.
• If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings’.
• If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
• I’m sorry my recent absence from work caused you to have to do your own work.
• Instead of a sign that says “Do not disturb” I need a sign that says “Already disturbed”. Proceed with caution.
• It is a little disheartening when your co-workers get paid more than you and you still have to show them how to send an e-mail.
• It is the start of a brand new day, and I am off like a herd of turtles.
• It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.
• It’s been a long week. –  Me, in the middle of Tuesday.
• It’s so quiet in the office today; I can hear myself not working.
• I’ve never liked working. I think a job is an invasion of privacy.
• Just because I came to work today does not imply that I have come actually do work today.
• Let your friends never feel lonely… Disturb them all the time.
• Let’s improve office morale by no longer working here.
• Mother – One person who does the work of twenty for free!
• My bed wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
• My job provides me with health insurance and ulcers, anxiety and depression.
• My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
• Nothing is as embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.
• NOTICE – Due to the current work load the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.
• NOTICE – Please pick up GPS before entering.
• NOTICE – Thank you for noticing this notice. Your noting has been noted and it has been reported to the authorities.
• Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
• Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest I work all week.
• Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
• So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?
• Some days even the devil sits back and admires my work.
• Sometimes I can’t figure out if I am in preschool or high school. Oh, wait. I’m at work.
• Sometimes I get so bored at work that I actually think about doing some work.
• Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.
• Sorry, I can’t go to work tomorrow. I fractured my motivation.
• Sorry, I didn’t have the social skills to communicate with you when the office internet was down.
• Sorry, I missed your call; I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
• Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive little late by ten minutes everyone loses their minds.
• Tell me what is your dream job? In my dreams I don’t work.
• Tell your boss what you really think about him, and the truth shall set you free… from your job.
• Thank you for all of your hard work. We are going to reward you by giving you other people’s work to finish.
• Thanks for allowing me to work for free. It is my dream to work without the stress of getting a pay check.
• That’s not my Job! – This a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s   Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody and Nobody did what could have done.
• The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
• The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
• The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
• The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
• The golden rule of work is that the bosses’ jokes are ALWAYS funny.
• The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
• The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as deadline approaches.
• The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
• The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job”
• There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation.
• There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
• They say money talks but mine just waves good bye.
• This isn’t an office. It is hell with fluorescent lighting.
• This job is test. It is only a test.   Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions and other signs of appreciation.
• Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question … have never worked in Customer Service.
• Or as I like to call it, “Day four of the hostage situation”.
• Today I feel like putting an “Out of Order” sticker on my head and going back to bed!
• Warning: To avoid injury, don’t tell me how to do my job.
• We feel that your job performance would improve greatly if you just quit doing your job.
• We offer two weeks’ vacation but we ask that you not to take of Mondays, Fridays, month end, month beginning or any day when another employee takes a day off.
• What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday? Unemployed”
• When I make a mistake – I’m an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake… You know, he’s only human!
• When my boss told me this is the fifth time I’m late, I smiled and thought to myself, it’s Friday!
• When work feels overwhelming, remember that you’re going to die.
• When you wake up at 6.00 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it is already 6.45. When you are at work and it is 2.30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it is 2.31.
• Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell them, Certainly, I can! Then get busy and find out how to do it.
• Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday?
• Work is for those who don’t know what fishing is!
• Work is just something I am doing until I win the lottery!
• Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
• Work Tip: Stand up.   Take a walk.  Go to the airport.  Get on a plane.  Never return.
• Work, really? Again? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?
• Yes it’s Friday! So screw this, screw this, and especially screw this.  There, all done.  Now what to do for the next 7 hours and 58 minutes!
• You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage work ethic.
• You don’t get what you wish for. You get what you work for.
• You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me … I will train you.
• You don’t work – you don’t have money to live, you work – there’s no time to live.
• Your salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and then it ends in a week.

***

If you find this post is helpful and useful for you,

please share this post to your friends and colleagues!