100+ Cool & Funny Facebook Status Quotes
Collection of cool and funny facebook status quotes that will bring smile on your face instantly. Now why wait? Use it on your facebook wall ( or even on your twitter, whatsup profile) and have few laughs.
- Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
- For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you’ll end up married.
- I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.
- Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren’t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
- Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
- It’s amazing the things I can remember when I don’t need to remember anything.
- Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
- What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to “like” cream cheese on Facebook?
- I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
- If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they’d put cocaine back in their recipe.
- Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
- I never thought I’d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning … I was right!
- Once again I’ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
- Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
- Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that anymore.”
- People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don’t want to talk.
- The best way to change a woman’s mind is to agree with her.
- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
- Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
- Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can…
- The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
- By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn’t believe me.
- Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
- People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
- The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money
- “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”
- Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
- Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
- Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
- People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they’re likely to cause.
- You know you’re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
- Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
- You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
- I’m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me… And apologize for after.
- Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
- Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
- It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
- I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It’s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
- Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
- My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
- Nobody pissed me off today… I got to get out more.
- Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
- I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
- “Lazy” is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
- I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
- Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
- Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was “I want a divorce”. Turns out its actually, “What is your password”.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don’t read this until the appropriate day)
- It’s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball… But won’t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry.
- Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
- How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
- I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
- I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
- Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
- My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
- Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
- You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice.
- I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
- I just broke my record for most days lived.
- I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
- Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
- Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
- A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
- A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
- You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.
- My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
- You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
- I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
- Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
- It’s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
- Technically, I don’t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I’m not doing anything.
- I like confusing kids by telling them I’m older than the internet
- I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
- When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
- Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
- When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, “My wife took everything when she left”
- 500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
- The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
- Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.
- Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
- If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
- I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
- Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
- You think you love your family but suddenly there are three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
- 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
- Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead.
- My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
- I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
- I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
- Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
- Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
- I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
- My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
- How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
- Send a man to the store to get 5 items; he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
- A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
- Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
- Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.
- I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
- My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
- Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I’m 82.
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Don’t lose hope…