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We have prepared for you a huge collection of roasts divided into several categories: funny, unique, creative, clever, weird, badass, savage, and more….
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The Best Roasts
- If I wanted to kill myself, I would simply jump from your ego to your IQ.
- If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
- Whatever doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
- You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
- I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
- You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
- If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
- I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you.
- Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
- You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.
- I don’t hate you, but if you were drowning, I would give you a high five.
- Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
- Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
- I didn’t mean to offend you… but it was a huge plus.
- There is someone out there for everyone. For you, it’s a therapist.
- Sorry I can’t think of an insult dumb enough for you to understand.
- You are the sun in my life… now get 93 million miles away from me.
- I would smack you, but I’m against animal abuse.
- I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.
- That sounds like a you problem.
- I believed in evolution until I met you.
- Whoever told you to be yourself, gave you a bad advice.
- You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.
- I envy people who have never met you.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave me too?
- I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
- You’re impossible to underestimate.
- People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
- When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and walk past.
- You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
Funny Roasts
- Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
- Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
- You are the reason why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.
- Every time I have a stick in my hand, you look like a pinata.
- Honey, only thing bothering me is placed between your ears.
- You are like a software update. every time I see you, I immediately think “not now”.
- I told my therapist about you; she didn’t believe me.
- I like the way you comb your hair, so horns don’t show up.
- Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
- People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
- If I had a dollar every time you shut up, I would give it back as a thank you.
- I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
- You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
- I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult for stupid people.
- Only thing that is pleasing about our relationship is that you are no longer in it.
- Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
- It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
- You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
- Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
- I’ve been called worse by better.
- If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
- Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
- Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
- Grab a straw, because you suck.
- When I look at you, I think to myself where have you been my whole life? Can you go back there?
- Have a nice day… somewhere else.
- You were so happy for the negativity of your Covid test, we didn’t want to spoil the happiness by telling you it was an IQ test.
- Did you know your incubator had tinted windows? That explains a lot.
- The last time I saw something like you, it was behind metal grids.
Unique Roasts
- There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
- What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
- Don’t get bitter, just get better.
- Ola soy Dora. Can you help me find where we asked?
- Are you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
- Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
- May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
- Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
- I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
- Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
- You are the reason why God is not talking to us anymore.
- Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
- You’ll never be the man your mom is.
- It would be a great day If you used a glue stick instead of Chapstick.
- I look at you and think what a waste of two billion years of evolution.
- You can’t imagine how much happiness you can bring… by leaving the room.
- When I listen to you, I think you’re really going to go far. I hope you stay there.
- I know you don’t like me, that says a lot. You need to acquire a better taste.
- It’s all about balance… you start talking, I stop listening.
- I’m sorry… Did my back hurt your knife?
- When I see you coming, I get pre annoyed. I’m just giving myself a head start.
- Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
- Cry me a river, then drown yourself in it.
- I think you just need a high five… in the face… with a chair.
- Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.
- You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.
- Everyone is allowed to act stupid once, but you… you are abusing that privilege.
- You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
- You look like a ‘before’ picture.
- Yes, I’m fully vaccinated, but I will still not hang out with you.
Creative Roasts
- Somewhere a tree is producing oxygen for you. I’m sorry for it.
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
- You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
- You’re not stupid! You just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
- What is wrong with you? Have you had too many drugs in the mental hospital today?
- Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
- Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
- Let me tell you. If I don’t answer you the first time, what makes you think the next 25 will work?
- Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours?
- Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
- I am not ignoring you; I am just giving you time to understand what you just said.
- It is better to shut your mouth and make people think you are stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
- Why are you rolling your eyes? Are you looking for your brain?
- If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard.
- Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
- You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
- You haven’t changed since last time I saw you. You should.
- Hurting you is the least thing I want to do… but it’s still on the list.
- Where’d you get your clothes, girl, American Apparently Not?
- I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
- I am jealous of people who didn’t meet you.
- Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you are proving me wrong.
- Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
- Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
- Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
- Everyone has a purpose in this life, yours is to become an organ donor.
- Where is your off button?
- Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
Clever Roasts
- If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
- You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
- The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
- You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
- Your face makes onions cry.
- You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.
- The people who know me the least have the most to say.
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
- Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?
- I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.
- Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
- I’m visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
- My middle finger gets a boner every time I see you.
- Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
- I didn’t change. I grew up. You should try it sometime.
- Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
- I have heels higher than your standards.
- You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
- Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.
- I might be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
- 90% of your ‘beauty’ could be removed with a Kleenex.
- I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
- I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
- We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
- I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.
- My hair straightener is hotter than you.
- You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
- You sound reasonable… Time to up my medication.
- You’re the reason I prefer animals to people.
Savage Roasts
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- It’s scary to think people like you are allowed to vote.
- Don’t worry — the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
- I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
- I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might just find one.
- I’m sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego.
- I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
- I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
- Maybe you should eat make-up so you’ll be pretty on the inside too.
- You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
- I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.
- I’m not an astronomer but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you.
- I am not ignoring you. I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
- You are the human version of period cramps.
- Some people should use a glue stick instead of chapstick.
- When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there in case it needs help.
- You should really come with a warning label.
- Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
- No, no. I am listening. It just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
- Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
- You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.
- I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.
- I’d explain it to you but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.
- It’s impossible to underestimate you.
- Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.
- If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
- Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
- Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
- Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
Weird Roasts
- Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.
- N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”
- Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
- You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
- How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
- Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?
- Acting like a prick doesn’t make yours grow bigger.
- When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?
- I’m listening. Just give me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
- The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was a penis.
- Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice.
- Too bad you can’t count jumping to conclusions and running your mouth as exercise.
- I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
- My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
- I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
- Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ____!”
- Is your drama going to an intermission soon?
- I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.
- My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
- I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
- Bye, hope to see you never.
- Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck it back in.
- Someday you’ll go far… and I really hope you stay there.
- My business is my business. Unless you’re a thong, get out of my ass.
- If I wanted a bitch, I would have bought a dog.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- I don’t sugarcoat shit. I’m not Willy Wonka.
- You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
- You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.
- You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.
Badass Roasts
- I’m sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the way you treat everyone all the time.
- The only work-life balance I want is being away from you.
- You don’t like me, then fuck off. Problem solved.
- Calm down. Take a deep breath and then hold it for about twenty minutes.
- I hide behind sarcasm because telling you to go fuck yourself is rude in most social situations.
- I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
- Yes, I am a bitch — just not yours.
- Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
- The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
- You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room.
- I guess if you actually ever spoke your mind, you’d really be speechless.
- Being a bitch is a tough job but someone has to do it.
- Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.
- Your nasty behavior is the reason for your receding hairline.
- Everyone brings happiness to a room. I do when I enter, you do when you leave.
- You should wear a condom on your head. If you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.
- I didn’t change. I grew up. You should try it sometime.
- Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
- Since you know it all, you should know when to shut up.
- Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
- You’re like a plunger. You like to bring up old shit.
- I treasure the time I don’t spend with you.
- Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
- Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like bullshit falls out of yours.
- Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?
- Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
- Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
- I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
- I’m sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
- You’re so real. A real ass.
Cool Roasts
- You’re as useless as the ‚ueue‘ in ‚queue‘.
- Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
- Heaven knows if you were taller, you wouldn’t get any boyfriends.
- I’m jealous of people that don’t know you!
- Even if you married, you’d still be single.
- Serial killers would run mad if they tried to make you a victim.
- If you could smell you, you wouldn’t be friends with you.
- Aha! I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
- Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
- If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
- Silence is the best answer for a fool
- You can attract bees with honey; in your case, it’s flies and feces.
- The salt on this food is enough to kill an earthworm.
- You are the only friend in our group who’s going to hell.
- I know I make stupid choices, but you’re the worst of all my choices.
- I think I’ve seen you before, but I’m pretty sure I had to pay admission last time.
- You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
- Why can’t you be like other rom-com friends? You’re not supportive.
- When you start talking, I stop listening.
- Feed your own ego. I’m busy.
- Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
- You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
- Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.
- If you added any more weight, the elevator wouldn’t move.
- You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
- You have been getting your life together for two years, and I don’t think it wants to be gotten.
- You’ve been trying to get your summer body since two winters ago.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- You’re not glowing, honey; you’re basically bathed in oil
- Being friends with you is only useful if I’m looking to have a good time.
Short and Simple Roasts
- I hate you. All your calories go to your big head and not your body.
- Thank God the kids don’t have my surname. Stupid doesn’t run in my family.
- You’re more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
- Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone.
- Why would you want to have babies? Don’t pass your dumb genes to an innocent child.
- Please clean out this apartment. It’s called being a plant Mom, not being a plant undertaker.
- Your writing is not made for the big screen, maybe for the small screen, a phone screen.
- I am so single; I wake up to ‘battery full’ every morning.
- If I have kids, I will just purposefully forget them at school.
- There’s somebody out there for everybody. For you, it’s a psychiatrist.
- You’re the reason the gene pool should really have lifeguards.
- I did not pick up the phone because I’m ignoring you.
- Your eyebrows look like eagle’s wings.
- Maybe you should try to eat make-up to improve your ugly personality.
- No one noticed when you left; that’s how insignificant you are.
- Call me back when you’re ready to be an adult.
- Your bad personality is the reason I prefer animals to humans.
- Roasting you isn’t easy. It’s hard enough to imagine you with a personality.
- I know our son got his brains from you because, well, I still have mine.
- Some might call you a smart ass, others a dumb ass; I say you’re just an ass.
- I’m sorry that this roast uses your entire vocabulary.
- You’ve got so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
- I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if I throw a stick, you fetch the bastard and bring it back.
- I’m not saying you’re ugly, but you’re the reason God created miscarriages!
- You’re so annoying; it’s because of you God gave us all a middle finger.
- You’re so ugly your face makes onions cry!
- Talking to you is like stepping on a leaf in autumn and hearing no crunch- disappointment.
- I knew that it could only be you. Nonsense follows you.
- Why are you giving me 100 missed calls? Is it a call to glory?
- If your brain was made of dynamite, you couldn’t even blow your nose!
Long Roasts
- This will be the first and last roast of the night, as we’ve already used up your entire vocabulary.
- I’m not saying you’re ugly, but the reason nobody wants to sleep with you is that they don’t want to be prosecuted for animal abuse.
- I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
- You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
- My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
- It must be fun to wake up each morning knowing that you are that much closer to achieving your dreams of complete and utter mediocrity.
- The only reason I take you everywhere with me is that I’d rather do that than kiss your ugly face goodbye.
- The only way you’d get hurt from doing exercise would be if you sprained your finger, changing the channel.
- Give me a minute; I’m trying to think of an insult that’s dumb enough for you to understand!
- You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
- You need to try clothes at the store and look in the mirror before you wear things like this.
- You and I go way back, and you’ve always been annoying. I mean, you even used to make your happy meal cry.
- I’m not saying you’re a commitment-phobe, but baby, my phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
- I find the fact that you’ve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
- I know it looks like I’m listening to you, but really I’m just visualizing duck tape over your mouth.
- Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
- Do you know the best part about being your friend? Not having to see you all the time.
- You’re like the first slice of bread in a loaf. You get touched by everybody but wanted by none.
- They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
- My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
- It’s a parents job to raise their children right. So looking at you, it’s no wonder your dad quit after just one day.
- We are not friends, and we are not even acquaintances. Let’s not pretend like we know each other.
- How do you cope with those gaps in your teeth? Are you comfortable with walking around with a window?
- I would explain all of these roasts to you, but I forgot to bring you an English to dumbass dictionary.
- You’re the type of person who can’t read the room. You don’t understand when you aren’t wanted.
- Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Because that’s how I feel right now.
- I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
- I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
- You love to act stupid. I know because I live with you, you’re naturally way dumber than that.
- The only reason someone would go down on you is in the hope that your clitoris was an off button.
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Unique Roasts
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