1. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
  2. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
  3. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
  4. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
  5. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
  6. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams
  7. If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. – William Lyon Phelps
  8. If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like. – William Feather
  9. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter
  10. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield
  11. Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. – E. B. White
  12. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn
  13. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
  14. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein
  15. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
  16. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. – Frank Lloyd Wright
  17. Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. – James A. Garfield
  18. If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. – Logan Pearsall Smith
  19. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. – Tallulah Bankhead
  20. Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. – Cathy Guisewite
  21. Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. – Samuel Butler

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